Allergies

I hate food allergies.  I think I have said this before.  When we learned of Luke's life threatening allergies, I was terrified.  I knew there could be a lot worse things in life and reminded myself of that often.  Still, I found myself afraid knowing that the ingestion of certain foods could take our son from us.  In an instant.  I was frightened of the thought of ever letting this child out of our care.  I was anxious about him going to preschool where, at his young age, he couldn't protect himself.  I had to rely on and trust others.  I was scared of him entering the public school system where he would eat lunch, have snacks, and treats/food at class parties.  I was also saddened by how isolating it can be to have allergies...being different, sitting at a specific table at school, not being able to eat what other kids are eating, etc.

 

One especially hard thing for me has been birthday parties.  With so many kids at a party it is hard to look out for the one who cannot have what everyone else can.  There is the potential to get lost in the hustle and bustle. My fear has been that the person throwing the party may not fully understand the danger or will become distracted by everything that goes on at the party and won't remember our Luke.  And I understand how that can happen.  I really do (see below).  So, birthday invitations have come and gone, and Luke has stayed home.

 

He did attend one birthday party when he was 4 and only then because I went with him, in the guise of "party helper."  He had a great time and at the end of the party the food was served.  I helped in the kitchen briefly then brought Luke a plate of food I knew he could eat.  I found him staring at a cupcake that had accidentally been placed in front of him.  I, who was at the party to protect him, did a lousy job.  It confirmed that my fears were valid.  Now...I didn't forget him.  I worried about him during the short time I was in the kitchen, even though I had sat him down outside and told him I would be back with food he could eat.  Even though everyone (I thought) knew he couldn't eat certain things.  Still, I worried as I saw all the food exchanging hands.  I worried that someone would forget and give Luke something he couldn't have, so I rushed to get out to him. I am grateful that Luke had already learned to hesitate before eating something.  I took the cupcake, praised him for not eating it, and replaced it with a treat I had brought from home.  Since then, invitations have continued to come and go, with Luke never even knowing they existed.  It is getting harder now that he is in school and I have known that at some point I need to let go a little and allow this boy the joy of attending parties.  He is getting older and is aware of what would happen if he were to eat something he shouldn't.  It scares him enough to make him hyper-cautious (and he was born cautious to begin with).  Last month he was invited to a birthday party by a couple of friends (twins) in his class at school.  I knew these were kids he liked and I debated about emailing the mother about his allergies.  Things got busy and, quite frankly, I didn't want to put anybody out or cause changes in plans for food that might prove to be inconvenient.  It is not always easy to accommodate the one.  And I still have my own fears of something being overlooked.  So, I didn't reply.  Two days before the party a reminder was emailed and I sat in front of the computer, once again, debating.  Then, with sadness in my heart, I replied "no" with no explanation given.  Within minutes of that reply I received an email from the mother of these twins.

 

It reads:

Hi Heather,

I don't want to pressure you at all about Tyler and Ashley's party (names changed), but I just wanted to check in with you.

I know that Luke has a lot of allergies and wanted to make sure that it isn't his allergies that are keeping him from being able to attend.  I am more then willing to make sure that he has something to eat at the party that is okay for him.  I have a brother with severe allergies and grew up with him missing out on things because people didn't understand.  So I am more then willing to accommodate Luke if he wanted to attend and it was just the food worries that would keep him from being able to come.

Currently we are having Papa John's cheese pizza, and Sam's club birthday cake with lemonade or water to drink.  If Luke is able to attend please just tell me what he would want to eat and I would make sure that he had it so that he could enjoy the festivities.

Tyler really likes Luke and always has such wonderful things to say about him. 

Again I don't want to pressure you to let him come, I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't because of a worry that he wouldn't have anything he could eat.

Have a good weekend.

Janice (name changed)

I read it.  And, not surprisingly (if you know me), I cried.  I replied by telling her that it was, in fact, the allergies that were keeping Luke from the party.  I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and told her I would be thrilled for him to be able to attend.  Turns out all the food, minus the cake, Luke could eat.  I told her I would send a treat with him so he could have something while the others ate cake, but she insisted on purchasing it herself and having it already there so that Luke would feel like it was a part of the party. 

When I told Luke he about the party the following morning, he couldn't contain his excitement.  I let him know that he could eat the pizza, but not the cake (which he already knew...duh, mom), but that Tyler's mom would have Oreo cookies there too.  He said, "Oh...that was really nice!  How does she know I have allergies?"

I sent this wonderful mom another note telling her about Luke's excitement and what he said about her having another treat on hand.
  

Again, her reply:

 

Thank-you for sharing that with me.  That really warms my heart and was a great way to end my week.

Tyler told me today before he went to school that he wants Luke to sit beside him in the party room because he is going to make sure that no one gives Luke anything to eat that would hurt him.  I thought that was pretty cool that he wants to make sure that Luke is safe.  He also told me that Luke is the nicest boy he knows and that he is super sad that Luke is going to move away.

On a different note I stopped at little gym today and let the owner know that Luke has food allergies so I didn't want anyone to give him cake by accident and I didn't want anyone to touch his cookies that I have in an individual package.  I didn't want to risk anyone cross contaminating them with anything that he is allergic to.

I hope Luke has a stress free fun time at the party tomorrow.  I know my kids are thrilled that he is coming.

 

Janice

Luke went to the party and had a blast.  I didn't tell Luke that Tyler wanted to sit by him, but when he got home, he voluntarily told me about Tyler.  He enthusiastically informed me that "Tyler sat by me to protect me from being given anything I couldn't eat."  What a good friend, taught by good mother.